What sparks you?: From Reaction to Conscious Choice

Have you ever been told to relax? I have. And when my husband would say those words in the middle of a conversation, discussion, or argument, it sparked an immediate reaction within me, usually anger and frustration. In a matter of seconds, I would go from zero to one hundred.

Looking back now, I can honestly say that during that time in my life, I wasn’t fully aware of my reactions, nor did I understand that I had choices in how I responded. I certainly wasn’t taking responsibility for them; mostly because I didn’t even know that was something I could/should do. Paying attention to my reactions simply wasn’t on my radar. They felt automatic, ingrained, and very much a part of who I believed myself to be.

At the time, I was living exactly as I had been conditioned to live—moving through my days as a woman, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, and professional. My reactions were woven into the rhythm of daily life, so familiar that I rarely questioned them. And just like you, each day brought moments that stirred something within me—mental, emotional, or behavioral responses to events and situations. 

Of course, not every reaction was negative. Yet for me—and likely for many of us—it’s the reactions we label as negative that linger the longest and create the most discomfort. How many times have you reacted to something, only to replay it later in your mind—beating yourself up for how you responded? Or perhaps feeling completely justified, even when the reaction didn’t sit well afterward?

When I reacted in anger, my husband would then be upset that I was upset. And I, of course, would blame him for the entire situation. I mean, really—I wouldn’t be upset if he hadn’t told me to relax, right? My sole focus was on him. I chose to respond in the same way each and every time. I’m not proud of that, but it is the truth. This went on for years!

At the time, I knew countless other women with the same reactions as mine, and I truly believed it was justified. We all believed men should know better than to tell a woman to “relax.” Oh boy!

Here’s the thing—prior to my healing journey, I never once contemplated or asked myself why I reacted with such anger and frustration? So when I started my healing journey, Spirit led me onto a path of awareness. As I’ve mentioned before—and as we all know—awareness is the key. And this is no different.

I now know without a doubt that negative reactions are our opportunities to heal, if you let them.

Here’s why:

We all know that our past plays a significant role in shaping who we are today—our sense of self, identity, behaviors, and beliefs. We cannot escape our past. Simply living on this earth means that each day adds to it. Every experience—big or small—is gathered by the mind and body as information, helping us navigate the world. Each experience continues to influence our beliefs, values, the stories we tell ourselves, and the choices we make. And we make countless choices everyday that reflect those same values, beliefs, lived experiences and past wounds. 

Have you ever witnessed someone behave poorly, and just know this reaction is rooted in past experiences or an unresolved wound? Have you ever wondered why someone’s reaction seems disproportionate to the situation?

Situations or events are always neutral, but they will always spark a thought within us. It is our thoughts (automatic interpretation, belief, or internal narrative) that instantly shape how we feel and respond. These thoughts happen so fast most don’t even realize a thought occurred before the emotion or reaction. 

The most unfortunate part is that we tend to place the responsibility for that reaction outside of ourselves (meaning blaming others for our reaction). When in truth, that reaction is 100% ours. Even when our reactions seem so immediate and uncontrollable, we are choosing this reaction, albeit unconsciously. We are ultimately responsible for our thoughts and emotions, even when we didn’t consciously choose how those thoughts first came to be.

I know this can sound harsh, especially when some of our thoughts and reactions were shaped by experiences that may include trauma. I share this with deep compassion, not judgment, and from personal understanding. For a long time, those patterns once helped me survive. What my own journey has shown me is that, as an adult, I now have the capacity to meet those reactions with awareness, kindness, and responsibility—honoring what I lived through while also allowing myself to learn, heal, and grow beyond it.

How aware are you of your behavioral choices?  What are the thoughts and emotions that are influencing them? Are you aware of the root cause of those thoughts and emotions? 

If you are interested, here are a few starting questions:

“What emotion just got activated in me?”

“What behavior or situation set this off?”

“Why did I feel that emotion?”

“What story or belief turned on in my mind?  

When we begin to notice our reactions, to pause, to become curious, and to ask ourselves what is being activated within us, it is an act of self-love. This gift, this opportunity to self reflect, to contemplate, to learn more about ourselves rather than focusing on the external event, person, or situation, invites us to turn inward and explore what this moment is revealing about ourselves, our needs, and our inner landscape. 

Recognizing these connections is not about placing blame or finding fault—either in yourself or in others. It is about understanding where our responses come from and gently acknowledging the role we play in them. They are our choices, which makes it our responsibility.  Responsibility, in this sense, is not something heavy or burdensome; it is an invitation into awareness.  

From this place of awareness, choice becomes possible. Not the kind of choice that demands perfection or immediate change, but conscious choice—how we respond, what we believe, and how we care for ourselves in the moment. This is where learning about ourselves begins, and where potential different, more aligned choices can naturally unfold.

Note: During self reflection and contemplation, please be kind to yourself, being self-critical and judgemental is never helpful. These are moments of compassion and love for yourself. 

I am not a therapist or medical professional. These reflections are offered as invitations for awareness and inner exploration, not as professional advice. Please take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, honour your own discernment and seek professional support if you are navigating mental or physical health concerns.